Friday, March 2, 2018

I'm Back. Again. Now What?

It has been almost a year since my last post.

I not only stopped posting, but I actually shut off the blog for the last several months in anticipation of eventually shutting it down completely.

Where have I been?

Still running. Sort of. Still working out. Sort of. Still eating healthy. Sort of.

But also working seven days a week, generally being exhausted, and wondering why I can't ever seem to do anything right.

So why am I back?

I've been encouraged to start posting again by a couple of friends because they think that it will be good for me. In terms of running and fitness, it will allow me to track my progress instead of focusing on the negatives. In terms of life, it will allow me to express my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them bottled up.

I have a plethora of drafts that I wrote while I was gone (posts about marathon training and my marathon recap, for example), but I could never bring myself to post them at the time. I still don't know if I'll post them in their current state, but perhaps after a few rewrites they will be ready for public viewing.

2017 was, to put it mildly, a struggle for me. It was basically a repeat of 2016, but intensified. Depression and anxiety have been my constant companions for most of my life, but things have been the worst they have ever been the last couple of years.

And you know what? It sucks. It sucks so much.

When both depression and anxiety hit at once, it is paralyzing and exhausting and terrifying. And the worst part? You can't escape it. It is always there with you. And it impacts every aspect of your life.

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I know what I need to do to get back my health and fitness, but I have a serious lack of motivation at the moment.

I'm trying to be more positive. I'm trying to practice gratitude. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself. It isn't easy, though. Thankfully, the last couple of months have been at least slightly better and more manageable, so I'm hoping that that trend continues.

Fingers crossed.

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