Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Bad Day = Good Run

I don't know how it always happens, but my best runs tend to coincide with my worst days.

Yesterday, as I was leaving work, I got the news that I didn't get the full time position that for which I had applied and interviewed. It was a huge blow to my already frayed and delicate ego. I've been working part time at the company for over six years and have routinely been passed over for full time positions. I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. Am I really such a terrible person that I'm not even viewed as a candidate for a full time position in my own department? Am I that bad at my job?

It isn't just a matter of better pay or benefits. I'm at a point in my life where I really crave some sort of stability. I'm tried of working three part time jobs and having a crazy and irregular work schedule. I'm tired of not knowing if I'll be able to pay all or some of my bills each month. I'm tired of never being able to take a vacation or make plans for the future. Yes, I would love to make more money. I would love to have health and dental insurance. But ultimately, what I really want is the ability to plan for my future.

Last night, after I got home, I sat down and cried. Then, I laced up my shoes and went for a run.

It was a beautiful night. The sky was clear, the sun was setting, and the street lamps were coming on. It was very warm, but there was a cool breeze blowing. I walked for a few minutes, then I started to run. I was running slowly, but my pace was steady. I was lucky and didn't have to wait for any streetlights, so I was able to run without stopping. It felt good to be outside. It felt good to move.

At the end of an hour, I'd completed five miles and was hungry and tired. It was...well, it was my best run in a very long time. When I was finished, I still didn't feel very good about my current work situation (coming in to work today was ROUGH), but I did feel slightly better.

And this is one of the big reasons that I run. I sometimes have people ask why I run, and this is the perfect example. All day long, I have a little voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be good enough. When I run, however, that little voice is quiet. Running allows me to turn off my mind and just focus on moving forward. So even on no good terrible very bad days, running allows me to relax and forget about the awful feelings of inadequacy, even if only for an hour.

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